Chapter: Food

तामसिक भोजन न करने वाले?

तामसिक भोजन करने वाले?

कभी न मांस खाने वाले?

रोज़ मांस खाने वाले?

सिर्फ अंडा खाने वाले?

मंगलवार को छोड़ मांस खाने वाले?

अपने देव को बलि अर्पित करने वाले?

विशिष्ठ आराधना वाले दिनों में मांस बनाने और खाने वाले?

विशिष्ठ आराधना वाले दिनों में फलाहार करने वाले?

विशिष्ठ आराधना वाले दिनों में निर्जला व्रत रखने वाले?

बलि को पूजा पद्धति मानने वाले?

बलि को घृणा से देखने वाले?

ऊपर लिखे कुछ प्रश्नों में से कुछ तो आपको सही और तार्किक लगेंगे, लेकिन कुछ बिलकुल ही गलत और अटपटे! कुछ से आप खुद को जुड़ा देख कर प्रसन्न हुए होंगे। तो कुछ को पढ़ कर मन थोड़ा कुपित भी हुआ होगा।

पर क्या ही करें? हमारी ‘हिन्दू’ होने की जो पहचान है, परिभाषा है वो है ही ऐसी! बहुत वृहद! बहुत विविध और विस्तृत! यहाँ मानने की, पूजने की, अनुसरण करने/न करने की पूरी छूट है। जो अच्छा लगे उसको आत्मसात कर लेने की और जो मन जो न भाये उसका परित्याग करने की। ये हमारे (हम हिन्दुओं, जैन, बौद्ध और सिख) के लिए समझना आसान होना चाहिए। सीधी सपाट सड़क पर चलने वाले (या यूं कहिये कि एक किताब को मानने वाले) को ये सब समझना बहुत ही मुश्किल और पीड़ादायक है। पर अगर हिन्दू होने के बाद भी आपको ऊपर कही गयी किसी भी बात से किसी भी तरह की आपत्ति है तो फिर हम मुश्किल में हैं। क्यों?

क्यूंकि ये जो विविधता है, यही हमारा मूल है। सही मायने में इसी ने हमको और हमारे धर्म को जीवित रखा है। विचार कीजिये कि पश्चिम से घोड़े पर सवार कोई आता है और बोलता है कि यहाँ रह रहे सभी को मेरी पूजा पद्धति ही माननी पड़ेगी और मेरे ईश्वर को ही पूजना पड़ेगा। अब इस कथन को पूरा करने के लिए ऐसा वो क्या करें कि लोग मान जाए? यहाँ न तो कोई ढांचा है जिसको तोड़ा जा सके, न कोई एकीकृत संस्था है जिसको खत्म किया जा सके और न ही कोई ऐसा गणमान्य व्यक्ति है जो पूरे समाज को एक साथ लेकर कार्य पूर्ण कर सके। अब एक-एक को पकड़ कर न तो कोई कलमा पढ़वा पाया और न ही कोई baptise कर पाया! ये विरोधाभास ही हमारी ढाल बना!

पर आज विविधता पर संकट खड़ा हुआ है। विधर्मी क्या सोच रहे हैं उसकी तो चिंता मुझे लेशमात्र भी नहीं है। मैं हमारे अपने द्वारा बनाये गए संकट की बात कर रहा हूँ। हम जड़ होते जा रहे हैं। विविधता को छोड़ रहे हैं, उस पर प्रश्नचिन्ह लगा रहे हैं और जो आज हमको ठीक लगता है सिरह उसको ही परम-सत्य मान रहे हैं।

सावन का महीना चल रहा है और मेरे गृह प्रदेश – उत्तर प्रदेश – में  आहार और मांसाहार को लेकर काफी कुछ हो रहा है। होटल, ढकेल वालों को बोला जा रहा है कि वो प्रतिष्ठान के स्वामी और नौकरो के नाम इत्यादि को लिखे जिससे कि आने/खाने वाले को पता चल सके कि भोजन किसने बनाया है। एक बार को मान लेते हैं कि यह हमारे लिए ही कर रहे हैं। पर विवाह वाले भोज का क्या? क्या आपको पता होगा कि वो सजी हुई मेज़ पर रखी रबड़ी किसने बनाई थी? Cloud-Kitchen के माधयम से आने वाले भोजन का क्या? उस भोजन को लाने वाले का क्या? यह सब बनाने वाले और खाने वाले पर ही क्यों नहीं छोड़ देते हम लोग? जिसको खाना है वो खाये, जिसके हाथ का खाना है खाये! नहीं खाना तो अपने घर से बनवा कर लाये!

इसी कड़ी में अगली बात कुछ और ज़्यादा संवेदनशील है! मांसाहार! हम में से कुछ लोगों के लिए श्रावण मास अलग-अलग कारणों से से कई सारी रोक-टोक लेकर आता है। कई तरह का आहार प्रतिबंधित होता है। मीट उस श्रेणी में सबसे ऊपर आता है। पर जो खाते हैं उनका क्या? हम हिन्दुओं में भी कई ऐसे समुदाय हैं जिनके लिए मीट एक साधारण सी वास्तु है, सामान्य आहार का एक हिस्सा है। उनका क्या?

अब कश्मीर में जब घुटने तक बर्फ पड़ रही हो तब खाने की उपलब्धता बड़ी सीमित हो जाती रही होगी! कोई कहाँ से लाये शाक -सब्ज़ी? स्वतः ही भेड़ और मछली आहार का हिस्सा बन गयी। न सिर्फ हिस्सा बल्कि शिवरात्रि पर शिवजी को अर्पित होने वाला एक प्रमुख अंग भी बन गई।

कुछ ऐसा ही बंगाल और उत्तर पूर्व में भी हुआ। जब मछली है प्रचुरता में हो और बाढ़ में फसल, सब्ज़ी बर्बाद हो गई हो तो इंसान क्या करेगा? जो कुदरत देगी वही खायेगा। आज मछली सिर्फ मछली न होकर उनके जीवन, उत्सव, विवाहोत्सव का अभिन्न अंग है। जहाँ पंजाब, हरियाणा, दिल्ली और उत्तर प्रदेश के कुछ लोग नवदुर्गे के पर्व में बाल और दाढ़ी तक नहीं कटवाते, उपवास रखते हैं, वहीं बंगाल के लोग बकरे के मांस के व्यंजन बनवाते हैं और खाते हैं।

बंगाल के विपरीत दिशा में पड़ने वाले महाराष्ट्र और गोवा के कोंकण क्षेत्र की भी कुछ ऐसी ही कहानी है। गणेशोत्सव के समय, गणपति के विराजमान होने के कुछ दिन पश्चात पार्वती को उनकी याद आती है। ऐसा माना जाता है कि वो जब गणेश से मिलने आती हैं तो वो अपने मायके आयी हैं और उनके मायके वाले (खासतौर पर कोली समुदाय के लोग) उनके स्वागत में उनकी मनपसंद भोजन की व्यवस्था करते हैं जिसमे प्रमुख होता है – केकड़ा, मछली और कुछ और माँसाहारी व्यंजन! राजस्थान से लेकर असम तक, नेपाल से लेकर मदुरै तक ऐसे कई विख्यात मंदिर हैं जिनमे कि बलि दी जाती है और प्रसाद स्वरुप मांस खाया भी जाता है। 

ऐसे में कौन क्या खायेगा, क्यों खायेगा, क्यों नहीं खायेगा ये कोई क्यों तय करेगा? और किस क्षमता में करेगा?

चलो एक किस्सा भी सुन लीजिए। बात ये हुई कि गुजरात के राजपूत वर्ग के एक नौजवान ने व्यापार करने का सोचा। कुछ काम करने कि कोशिश भी करी पर सफलता हाथ नहीं मिली कहीं भी। फिर उसको मछली के व्यापार के बारे में पता चला। उसने देखा कि इस व्यापर में लिप्त लोगों को अच्छा मुनाफा हो रहा था। उसने भी कोशिश करी! घर परिवार, समाज सबका विरोध सहा और काम शुरू किया। उसको सफलता तो मिली पर एक (उसके समाज के हिसाब से) एक नीच काम करके पैसे कमाने वाले को समाज निरन्तत प्रताड़ित करता है। जब ज़्यादा न सुनी गयी उस व्यक्ति से तो उसने गुस्मे में इस्लाम क़ुबूल कर लिया। जानते हैं वो इंसान कौन था? पूंजा गोकुलदास मेघजी – मुहम्मद अली जिन्नाह के बाबा!

अब सोचिये कि अगर उनके समाज ने उनके काम को सिर्फ काम की ही तरह देखा होता तो क्या होता? और ये सब आज भी चल रहा है। कुछ वर्ष पहले एक रील वायरल हुई थी जिसमे एक होटल दिखाया हुआ था जिसमे मुर्गे लटके हुए थे तंदूर किये जाने के लिए और होटल की एक दिवार पर एक मंदिर भी टंगा हुआ था। रील बनाने वाले ने व्यर्थ ही बहुत भला बुरा कहा उस होटल वाले को और रील देखने वालों ने भी कोई कमी नहीं छोड़ी। कितनी बड़ी विडम्बना है कि हम आज भी आहार के नाम पर बटें हुए हैं।

और ये बंटवारा यही नहीं रुकता। कौन क्या खा रहा है उससे भी आपकी हैसियत तय होती है। बकरा, मछली, मुर्गा अलग हैं। सूअर वाले अलग  हैं। खरगोश, जंगली मूसे खाने वाले और अलग श्रेणी में हैं। यह सब भेदभाव बहुत नया है और अनुचित है। आपको क्या लगता है पुराने ज़माने में शिकार क्या सिर्फ बाघों और शेरों का ही होता था? शेर और बाघ तो तो सिर्फ मनोरंजन के लिए मारे जाते थे। आहार के लिए हिरण, सूअर, बटेर इत्यादि मारे जाते थे। और सभी मारते थे। वर्गीकरण तो बहुत बाद में हुआ और गलत हुआ। यह समय है कि हम को अपनी विविध विचारधाराओं को अपनाना होगा, उनका सम्मान करना होगा! मांस खाना आपके लिए अपवित्र है, ठीक है!

जो खा रहा है वह भी ठीक है! न खाने वाला अपवित्र है, न न खाने वाला पवित्र! आप मांस नहीं देख सकते इसलिए आपको अलग जगह चाहिए – यह बात मानी जा सकती है। पर यह कहना कि मांस खाने वाले के साथ बैठ कर आपका धर्म भ्रष्ट हो गया बहुत ही दुर्भाग्यपूर्ण है। किसी को छोटा बता कर हम खुद को बड़ा नहीं बनते, बड़ा हम अपने कर्मों से बनते है।

श्री राम! 

I lost 10 years! More than that, in fact! Years of what could have been my prime. To what did I waste these years? Alcohol! No shame in admitting. I figured if I am not going to be honest to myself, nothing and nobody could help me. So, the bottle going to get some rest in the cupboard. For good!

Now, what triggered the transition back then? I don’t know! I don’t remember. What’s triggering me now? Again, I don’t have a clue. All I know is that I cannot continue like this anymore. Simple!

There’s so much more to life. To my life. I know my capacities and capabilities. I could have done so much with it. Nevertheless, not all is lost! I am going to turn 40 next month and if the things stay okay, I still have good 20 years of active life ahead of me. That’s like over 7300 days. And I am going to make most of them count.

I am going to be useful to my family, my friends, people who are employed in our business, to the society in general and to communities I have my secret allegiance to.

I love reading. I have read my fare share of fiction and otherwise and I believe there’s a narrator hidden in me. It’s about time we bring him out and ask him to do something good. I am going to write. Frequently! This lost blog will be brought to life and then let’s see what all ground can I cover. Walk I will!

Time to start narrating some stories!

Today i.e. September 4th is going to be a very important day for the Christian fold of our country. You just cannot fathom what the canonization of Mother Teresa will do to “Missionaries of Charity” in terms of getting importance, visibility, validity, growth & expansion, funds and whatnot!

However, before talking about the Sainthood of Mother Teresa, let me explain you the following basics of canonization (the process of declaring a person Saint):

• Who’s a saint?
• What’s the process of canonization?
• What is a miracle?
• What are the rules of the canonization?

Once I have answered these questions, you will have a fair idea of what a Saint is all about. Post that, I will throw some light on the canonizations done in the past by various Popes. Let’s proceed.

The basics of canonization

Who is a Saint?

In the Catholic Church, a “saint” is a person in Heaven. He holds of the Keys of the Kingdom of Heaven, and is therefore believed to be in Heaven by the grace of God.

In Roman Catholic practice, the saints are revered, prayed to, and in some instances, worshiped. In the Bible, saints are called to revere, worship, and pray to God alone.

What’s the process of canonization?

The following are the key steps of the process of canonization. How does a person become a Saint?

1. Servant of God

The process ideally starts at the Diocese level with a Bishop giving permission to open an investigation. Needless to say, it is in responding to a petition by members of the faithful. Typically it starts after a gap of 5 years of the death of the person. However, the Pope has the power to waive off this period (as was done in case of Mother Teresa by Pope John Paul II). To learn more about the person, everything about him/her is dug out – right from his/her grave to the writing, sermons and speeches they made. Basically a complete bio is penned down and the person is labeled “Servant of the God”.

2. Venerable/Heroic in Nature

Consider the first step as filling in the application form and filing of the documents. When the application reaches to Holy See (the body taking care of the entire process), the person becomes a Venerable. Prayer cards get printed and the faithful start looking for a “MIRACLE” wrought by the intercession of this person.

3. Blessed

This is the process of Beatification. Church investigates the miracle and there is a Miracle Commission – comprising of theologians and scientific experts – that investigates the matter. Upon verification of the miracle, the person is declared BLESSED!

4. Saint

After the beatification is done, the Church waits for one more miracle and once that’s found, the person is declared a Saint by the Pope after the ceremony of Canonization. A “Feast Day” is declared in his/her name and the churches are the world can celebrate it. Churches can also be made in hiss/her name.

What are the rules of Canonization?

Role of Church

Originally people were recognized as Saints without any formal process.  As the Church evolved and the Pope became the in-charge of the Catholic world, the process of canonization came into being. It’s a long process and after the middle of 16^th century, Holy See has the sole right to undertake canonization.

Role of Miracles

A miracle is something that our logic, the science and whatever technology we have cannot explain. There are a number of types of miracle like

• Apparitions – wherein Mother Mary (and maybe Jesus) appear in front of a faithful.
• Miraculous Images – here images of Jesus or Mary or both appear. For eg on a tree.
• Stigamta – here a person bleeds a perfumed blood from hands and forehead, resembling the points where Jesus was nailed.
• Medical Miracles – A person recovering from a terminal illness. The recovery is often instantaneous and beyond explanation. These are the most commonly used miracles nowadays.

Earlier there was no requirement of miracles as the proof of people in question being divine. However, now at least 2 miracles are required for sainthood and only 1 miracle is required for beatification of a person. Also, there are witnesses required to validate the miracles.

Role of Devil’s Advocate

The Devil’s Advocate is a Canon Lawyer appointed by Church authorities to argue against the canonization of a candidate. Pope John Paul II reduced the power and changed the role of the office in 1983. This reform changed the canonization process considerably making it easy for them to make someone a saint.

Canonizations done by Popes

S No	Name of the Pope	Papacy lasted  (Days)	Sainthood Awarded	Sainthood granted every ( no. of days)
1	Pope Francis	1249	28	45
2	Pope Benedict XVI	2870	45	64
3	Pope John Paul II	9658	110	88
4	Pope John Pau I	33	NA	NA
5	Pope Paul VI	5521	21	263
6	Pope John XXIII	1678	10	168
7	Pope Pius XII	7156	33	217
8	Pope Pius XI	6209	27	230
9	Pope Benedict XV	2696	4	674
10	Pope Leo XIII	9275	12	773

 

While canonization has been a rather lengthy process taking anything from a decade to over a century to get completed, it is also a very expensive one. There are multiple teams involved who fly in and out of Vatican. They search and document about the person. The miracles verified. Tests after tests are done in case of medical miracles. Once the process gets started, there are various tiers to it as I have already mentioned earlier. There is a cost associated to every single tier and it grows as they move from one tier to another and as new and more people come aboard.

However Pope John Paul II made considerable changes in the process and one such change was trimming the role of Devil’s advocate. Since the 16th Century, when the modern saint-making process began, there have been approximately 300 saints declared. But Pope John Paul II has declared more saints in the 25 years of his papacy than all 264 popes before him combined. His papacy lasted 1249 days and he awarded sainthood to 28 individuals. This means every 45 days, he declared a saint. Compare this to the average of Pope Benedict XV or Pope Leo XIII who took an average of 674 days and 773 days respectively to award sainthood. The pope definitely turned the church into a factory churning out saints. It not only created a debate within the Roman Catholic Church but it also leaves us wondering about the need of this rampant sainthood. What’s with the haste? Are the rules being followed? What happened to The Devil’s Advocate?

Pope John Paul II also did the beatification of Pope Pius IX in the year 2000.Pope Pius IX became internationally infamous when, under his rule (yes he ruled and he also had an army), a Jewish boy named Edgardo Mortara was taken (read abducted) from his family after it was learned he had been secretly baptized by a Catholic maid. The boy got to meet his family only after growing up and becoming a priest.

So before you start scratching your head and the “F” word comes to your mind, let me tell you one more thing – the saints are supposed to e role models for the society at large and for the faithful in particular.

Let a huge WTF come out of your mouth. I’d appreciate it!

Sainthood of Mother Teresa

After Mother Teresa’s death in 1997, the Holy See began the process of beatification and in 2002, the Vatican recognized as a miracle the healing of a tumors in the abdomen of Monica Besra, a woman from Bengal. It was said that the tumour healed after the application of a locket containing Mother Teresa’s picture. Besra said that a beam of light emanated from the picture, curing the cancerous tumour. However, her husband and the doctor said that conventional medical treatment had eradicated the tumors.  Dr. Ranjan Mustafi told The New York Times that the cyst was not cancer at all but a cyst caused by tuberculosis. It was not a miracle. She took medicines for nine months to one year. As per Besra’s husband, she was cured by the doctors and not by any miracle.

Furthermore, it was said that Besra’s medical records, which contained sonograms, prescriptions, and physicians’ notes, were being withheld by Sister Betta of the Missionaries of Charity. The officials at the Balurghat Hospital where Besra was seeking medical treatment claimed that they were being pressured by the Catholic order to declare the cure a miracle.

Vatican officials responded by saying that the charges were investigated by the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, and that they found no obstacle to Mother Teresa’s beatification. Mother Teresa was beatified 19 October 2003, thereby bestowing on her the title “BLESSED”.

Isn’t that cool and just? We thought that she was our Mother. However, it turns out she was their servant. We have been nothing but people living in dark.

Other criticism of Mother Teresa

Journalist Christopher Hitchens has been a constant critic of Mother Teresa. In his book has argued that “her intention was not to help people”. Further, he alleged that she lied to donors about the use of their contributions. “It was by talking to her that I discovered, and she assured me, that she wasn’t working to alleviate poverty”, says Hitchens. “She was working to expand the number of Catholics. She said, ‘I’m not a social worker. I don’t do it for this reason. I do it for Christ. I do it for the church.”

Researchers at the University of Montreal and the University of Ottawa, who concluded in a 2013 report that the nun did not deserve the saintly reputation she had acquired over her lifetime due to her “rather dubious way of caring for the sick, her questionable political contacts, her suspicious management of the enormous sums of money she received, and her overly dogmatic views regarding, in particular, abortion, contraception, and divorce”.

Mother Teresa encouraged members of her order to secretly baptize dying patients. The Sisters were to ask each person in danger of death if he wanted a ‘ticket to heaven’. An affirmative reply was to mean consent to baptism. The sister was then to pretend that she was just cooling the patient’s head with a wet cloth, while in fact she was baptizing him.

The patients who came there for medical help didn’t always get what they should have. The needles were washed with warm water and weren’t properly sterilized. There were no painkillers. There were no separate wards for patients with TB.

What’s actually going on?

Religions, not just the church, are facing a tough time right now. With probably the only exception of Islam, the people are becoming more and more detached from religion – if not becoming atheists. The church has never been this weak in the Europe. Even the conservative countries like Russia are looking beyond churches. Retaining the glory is becoming difficult, let alone the expansion.

Even if I talk about the expansion plans of church, the Islamic world is a very tough territory. They were present in Afghanistan decades before Osama and Taliban took over but they couldn’t build a platform. The sizable Pakistani Christian community came into being from conversions of low-caste Hindus. The church is yet to build inroads into the Muslim community there. They already have chunks of the southern half of Africa. Where do they go now? Orient? Yeah! India? Hell yeah! Nepal after earthquake? Hallelujah!

Al these saints are a bridge. They have a strong local presence and certificate declaring their presence in Heaven right next (well, almost) to the God just strengthens that bridge. A bridge that will take the masses to the God. Teresa is going to be the bridge. A new and broader bridge, which will let scores of Vatican’s servants enter the nation.

It’s a brand new marketing strategy that will pack the Vatican’s offerings in the Indianized package. The package that has image of a sari clad “Indian” saint who worked for the cause of Christianity humanity.

God be our savior! Amen.

PS: I am not trying to belittling her work. I just cannot think of a person who could have done so much of service to the poor. She indeed took care of a lot of orphans, patients and homeless. But she didn’t do  it for the sake of humanity. She had a purpose and that purpose was Christ. So, she isn’t my saint. Not the mother, either.

कोई भी देश परफेक्ट नहीं होता, उसे परफेक्ट बनाया जाता है!

Hello Aamir!

I hope you remember this line. You – Mr. Perfectionist – would definitely remember it. Being someone who is so passionate about the characters you portray, you chewed almost 100 paans every single day while shooting PK. I am sure you’d definitely remember this line. It’s from the movie Rang De Basanti.

Rang De Basanti was a very special movie. It impacted every single person who saw it. The impact made the judiciary of India come out of slumber. However, now I wonder if it impacted you at all! Did it? Because what you just said about the “RISING INTOLERANCE” was plain stupid.  I am sorry but that is what it is.

Please don’t take me otherwise. I laughed heartily when you hounded the blue painted guy playing Lord Shiva in the film PK. I don’t have any intolerance issues. I am fine with criticism of state, religion and the masses. However, plain bullshit is what pisses me off.

You’re a superstar. Of course you’re a very intelligent actor. You’ve definitely seen a lot of world. However, that simply doesn’t mean that everything you’d ever say is right. It doesn’t mean that you know everything. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you can open your mouth without carefully choosing your words.

Do you know how do we get to know you?

We get to know about you from the carefully timed interviews that you give before and after the release of movies and the meticulously planned promotional activities. Over and above the images, videos, print interviews of you promoting the films, we get to see you getting in and out of airports, restaurants – all thanks to the paparazzi. Did I get it right? I guess I did.

I am sure keeping the personal life personal is a two-way process. So while you’re trying to keep yourself hidden, you’re also hiding us away. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Therefore, the question now arises is – what the fuck do you know about the common man’s life?  While you get to live a bit of it portraying the characters, you don’t get close to the real life. Apart from the drivers, maids, assistants that you have employed, the only common people you’d get to know about would be the distant relatives who unfortunately are like me. That would be it. AND I CAN BET MY LOVE FOR YOU ON THAT!!

Let’s talk about “Intolerance”

India isn’t perfect. She has her share of problems. There are assholes in almost every walk of life. While we have Kamaal R Khan bullshitting on Twitter, we have Praveen Togadia and his likes suffering from verbal diarrhea on TV channels. However, both these assholes and the entire spectrum of assholes in between these two don’t represent anything real. Want to know what intolerance a common Indian has to face? Fasten your seat belt and grab a box of tissue-papers (if what I have seen on Satyamev Jayate was right).

• Frowning at sight of ‘Safai-wallah ’ getting into the lift with you shows intolerance
• Lynching of the Jaat couple just because they belonged to the same gotra is intolerance
• Intolerance is when a kashmiri pandit boy who was selected for MBBS was hit on his head in the name of ragging. Later, he succumbed to his injuries
• Intolerance is AIIMS’s doctor’s writing ‘BIOHAZARD’ on a chart-paper in a HIV positive woman’s room
• Calling a girl from northeast ‘Chinki’ shows our intolerance and considering her a sex-worker takes it to another level
• Muslims boys not getting a room on rent is what is intolerance
• Intolerance is Shiv Sena bullshitting on Valentine’s Day
• Intolerance is police raiding gay parties and extorting money from closeted gay guys
• Calling a girl ‘RANDI’ just because she’s exploring her sexuality is intolerance
• Calling an effeminate boy – “HOMO HOMO” is intolerance
• Addressing a black person as BIHARI or MADRASI is not only racist but is also an example of intolerance
• How could you tolerate beheading of an Indian army personal by Pakistani army?
• Shutting of cafeteria in AMU during the month of ramzan….. I don’t know what that was!

 

We – the common people of India – face all these things. We suffer – sometimes for being Hindu, sometimes for being a turbaned sardar. For being an UPite or for being a Mallu. For being a Hindi-speaker or for not been able to speak English fluently. What infuriates me is while millions of commoners like me have to face the reality of every-single-fucking-thing, you – a person who lives an almost-perfect cocooned life – do not really have any right to mock my suffering.

Please don’t be a political dick-head. And please don’t be selective in picking things. Remember, you are not just a public figure. You represent me. You represent India.

Coming back to what I started with – let’s make this country perfect!

Regards,

Aniruddh Singh

Hello New York Times,

I call myself “Aam Aadmi Partly” in the digital world. It literally means that I am a “common man – partially”. So it’s safe to assume that I do represent an average Indian – at least partially.

I got to read an article written by Sonia Faleiro, published in NYT titled “Saving the Cows, Starving the Children” dated June 26^th, 2015. To begin with, the article was upsetting. Upsetting, not because it targets the BJP or our PM or the right wing ideology. I am upset because it targets them on half baked facts and figures. There are assumptions everywhere in the article and I am going to detail out all of them here. However, before I start writing (rather commenting) on the article, there’s something that I want to highlight with 2 examples.

1. See, I hail from a not-so-famous city of the Indian state of Uttar Pradesh. As it wasn’t famous, the only foreigners (people from Europe and US to be precise) I ever saw was in Agra where they came to visit the famous Taj Mahal or those who I saw them in movies. By movies I am here referring to porn as well as regular feature films. Back then, watching all those porn and movies like American Pie series made me (and almost every adolescent) think that these foreigners are all about sex. That’s what drive them 24*7. They are always willing to take their pants off. It made me think that the West is an open sex society. You just have to approach the person and he/she will take you to the bedroom. That was stupid, of course. As I grew, I got to know that there a lot more about the western world than sex and there are all sorts of people out there too – open minded, narrow minded, liberal, religious and conservative etc. There are people who go nuts over religion and races. There are people who drive campaigns against abortions and homosexuality. Basically, I got to know that the westerns were just like us. All I did was assuming and generalizing.
2. India has had this reputation of being home to cow-worshippers, snake-charmers, sadhus (saints) and jadugars (magicians) for ages. Even now a lot of people picture us like that. That’s absurd. Like every bit of it. We’re taking satellites of countries across the globe to their orbits. We’re the champions of the BPO/Outsourcing industry. And it’s none other than us who meticulously work to make the Hollywood movies’ animations come to life. People just assumed and generalized.

“ASUMPTIONS” and “GENERALIZATIONS” are bad. I used the examples to say as much. Let’s talk about the article now.

If I am guessing it right, the article is about

1. The under-nourished kids
2. The rise of right-wing politics in India

I’ll talk about the hungry kids first.

More than half of the pregnant women are anemic. India has a very high infant mortality rate. Less than half of the infants under the age of 6 months are exclusively breastfed. You’d be surprised to know that a basic thing like iodized salt isn’t available to half of the nation. Clearly, the tale of undernourishment starts right from the mother’s womb. A lot of kids die before turning 5 – the age when kids start their education in schools. I just wish the author had talked about every kid born in this country. However, the author chose to talk about eggs that Shivraj Singh Chouhan didn’t allow to reach school.

You know there’s a huge stock of wheat in government godowns. Its way more than the “Buffer Stock” the government has to keep and huge quantities of it are stocked out there in open. Every year during rains huge quantities of it end up rotting. Imagine the change we can make, if this wheat reaches to all those pregnant ladies and kids in form of porridge. Unfortunately, the author just wanted to associate hunger, eggs and the BJP.

Now let’s talk about BEEF!

It seems the author didn’t know that beef for almost all Indians (be it Hindus, Muslims or Christians) is buffalo meat. Didn’t she know it’s available across the nation? In the diet of Indian Muslims buffalo meat is an important component and you can find scores of street hawkers selling “Biryani” having buffalo meat. Furthermore, the buffalo meat exporting industry is growing in double digits and if I am not misquoting, it is set to become a $ 30,000 million strong industry this year. The central government in fact offers handsome subsidy for setting up a meat processing unit. What the BJP led government in Maharashtra has done deals with the meat of cows only which is anyways banned in all but a couple of states.

Clearly, the author either didn’t do her homework properly or she is biased against the Indian majority religion.

We could be anything but perfectly healthy and the government isn’t perfect either. Definitely, there’s a lot more that our government should be doing and vigilant citizens, organizations and journalists should criticize the government for every wrong step that it takes. However, I wouldn’t allow a person with a fancy name and biased intent to criticize my government and its policies.

Can your author answer the following questions?

• Why the author didn’t talk about the availability and abundance of food stuff? Pigs are present in abundance across the nation. Their meat is tasty and the high fat percent would have ensured a rich supply of energy to our kids. They are easy to rear and are prolific breeders. I wonder why the author didn’t think of including and advocating pigs. Oh wait….. muslims don’t consume pork. Is that the reason that our dear author didn’t include them?
• Did she care to study about the eating habits of Indians? The Indian non-vegetarian habits are a little different from that of the world. Apart from Muslims, Tribals and some Christians, the meat consuming Indians (primarily Hindus and Sikhs) are muscle eaters. We don’t eat eyes, offal, brain and tongue etc. and that’s kinda inbuilt. May be driven out of religion and culture. Clearly, being vegan, vegetarian or selective non-veg is a very personal choice. You cannot (and should not) ask people to change. Can you imagine a dog or snake being eaten in US? Why? Because, it’s not a part of their eating habit. Likewise we Indians don’t eat beef.

The author is probably right in criticizing the Madhya Pradesh government for banning eggs. However, I wouldn’t say it’s a super-food.  The Indian cottage cheese has a higher protein percentage and so does Tofu, the Soya cheese. I’d agree that the availability and price of eggs make it a much better food item and if a kid wants to have it, NO ONE should come in between. Unfortunately, that’s not what the author wanted to say. Three out of the first 4 paragraphs talk about how Shivraj Singh Chauhan denied the tiny-tots of Madhya Pradesh eggs, the super-food. The next 4 paragraphs talked about the ban on beef imposed harshly by the BJP led government of Maharashtra. After this, the entire article was about politics. The politics of BJP. The right-wing inclined, (communal in terms of Indian journalists’ lingo) politics. The dirty, HINDU centric, minority-hating politics of the BJP and of the Indian PM Modi.

I am not a right-wing Hindu champ of sorts. However, there has been a flood of people like this author in our country. Our journalists fabricate stories, spit venom and appease minorities (read Muslims) every single minute. Now I don’t want a reputed name like NYT to do the same. Not at the cost of my nation’s reputation.  I am not a snake-charmer, don’t call me one.

IIN as a concept has been picked up by the Twitter Trolls intellectuals big time. There was a time when even I compiled a list of some known people, from various walks of life, who in all probability honed their skills from some or the other IIN institute. As the tweet got quite a good response, I thought that if I ever had a blog, I’d definitely elaborate the list (not only of IIN students but possible Management people and faculty members) of the IIN. So, here’s my blog and here’s the list.

Where would it be located?

Right next to Arindam Chaudhary’s IIPM. I am sure there cannot be a better place for IIN than that. Chaudhary is such a daring person. After all, he’s been daring students to do what he himself couldn’t do in his life – get into an IIM.

Possible Chancellor/ Vice Chancellor

Azam Khan: The lord of Azamgarh is far more creative than the world thinks he is. James Cameron played God while creating Avatar, right? Our Khan Sahab, has much much more creativity than him. He can not only create an entire university on papers but can also get himself crowned as its chancellor. He can get buffalos delivered to his doorsteps all the way from Punjab. Once some lunatic crashed into his house and stole 3 of his prized buffalos. Khan Sahab made UP Police find those 3 buffalos thrice in next few months. So now you know he’s a resourceful man and thus apt for heading IIN.

Leela Samson: She was once Priyanka Gandhi’s dance teacher. Then she did something. Then something happened to her. What exactly? Well, it’s like Lord Voldermort. It’s all there but we can’t call it y its name. Recently we saw her heading CBFC. Isn’t that enough to prove her qualifications.

Arvind Kejriwal: Be it a dharma or an agitation, a movement or a government, this guy likes to head everything. He wants to be the person ‘In-charge’. He always knows what’s right, he knows who’s right and he is extremely quick at getting ‘internal checks’ done and declaring people not corrupt fit. You know the kind of work a Chancellor/VC is supposed to do, right? I bet, AK is the man!

Proctorial Team:

Raghu: This as**hole from Roadies got his back fu*ked like a zillion times. So basically it is he is tamper proof. He cares about big coc*ks. Err… I mean he cares about youth. He’s been mentoring them on TV for over 10 years. He knows how to handle students, right?

Ayyub Rana: She knows what is right. And she knows she’s always right. She’s good at spoken English and her knowledge of English cuss words is unparallel. She looks down at almost every person and is very quick to blame people. I am sure, she’d one of the best proctors of the IIN university. The hatred fear in minds of students will be second to none other than hatred fear of Bhaqts.

Ravish Kumar: He can speak for 500 seconds at a speed of 210 words/min. All of this in a single breath. Isn’t that exactly what proctors are supposed to do? Yell at students and beat the nationality shit out  of Bhaqts students. He’d be good. Trust me.

Head of Deaprtment(s) and Faculty Members

Faculty of Arts – Digvijay Singh

He’s good at talking. Good at talking rubbish, to be precise. Only he can head the department where all the good-for-nothing backbenchers end up.

Faculty of Life Sciences – Subrimanyan Swany

This guy knows a lot about biology. He knows that ‘homosexuality’ is a genetic disorder that needs to be cure. He has his fantastic stories theories about non-vegetarian diet making you a morally weaker being. I am sure he’d kickstart the much needed R&D work in life-sciences with his creative thoughts.

Faculty of Mathematics – Rahul Gandhi

He’s the one who added new dimensions to the Fractions.  2 में से 3 आदमी! God!! Did you ever think of what’s there, what’s obvious? He’s the one.

Faculty of Sciences (Physics and Chemistry) – Mulayam Singh Yadav

Netaji made his nomination rather easy. He’s the one who brought people of different polarity (Nitiesh and Lalu) together under one roof. He tied Devegawda (is this the right spelling? Why bother about name’s spelling when nobody bothers about the man? ), Sharad, Lalu, Mulayam, other seasonal insects and parasites with ionic bonds.

Department of Education – Sagarika Ghosh

She is a very fine lady. She gets driven around in metro cities but knows everything about the entire nation. She goes clubbing, sips finest wines in 5 stars but also bows down 5 times a day. She commits grammatical errors in her tweets but is always there to educate others. She’s determined and motivated for the cause of upliftment of Bhaqts (but not at the cost of precious Muslims minorities)

Department of Physical Education – Arnab Goswami

Yes him. Yes the guy who sits in his cozy chair and yells at everyone for hours. Guess, why?…… This guy makes people to run from pillar to post. What for? For a string of 10 straight seconds to make their point. Can you imagine if he can make people run just to articulate themselves, what will he do when it comes to their physical well-being?

Department of Moral Sciences – Rajdeep Sardesai, Barkha Dutt, Kavita Krishnan, Sanjay Jha, Digvijay Singh, Jairam Ramesh, Mahesh Bhatt, Dia Mirza, Shruti Seth, Alka Lamba, Aushutosh and 346,239 other possible names. I don’t have to list their qualities here. There aren’t enough words and GBs/TBs of memory to do that. Let’s, chuck it!

Students

What is a university/institute without its students? Here’s a combined list of IIN Alumni and present students studying at IIN. This list also tells the field that a student/alumnus

Alumni/Students in the field of performing arts:

• Sajid Khan (IIN’s 1^st student of performing arts) – Movie Making/Judging/Writing/Living
• Anu Malik (IIN’s 2^nd student) – Singing(Gold Medalist)/ Music Composition
• Pritam – Music
• Himesh Reshamiya – Acting/Singing/Music/Judging/Film Making
• Sonam Kapoor – Acting
• Rakhi Sawant – Acting
• Uday Chopra – Acting
• Karan Johar – Acting
• Abhishek Bachchan – Acting
• Mika Singh – Singing
• Honey Singh – Singing

Alumni/Students in the field of Literature/Journalism:

• Chetan Bhagat – Writing/Commenting
• Shobha De – Writing/Women Empowerment
• Rajdeeep Sardesai – News Creator/Manipulator
• Sagarika Ghosh – Do
• Barkha Dutt – Do
• Ayubb Rana – Do

Alumni/Students in the field of Politics

• Rahul Gandhi
• Arvind Kejriwal
• Dr Kumar Vishwas
• Ashutosh
• Attorney Somnath Bharti

Alumni/Students enrolled in IIN but yet to choose their electives:

• Shruti Seth
• Dia Mirza
• Rahul Yadav
• Bilawal Bhutto
• Omar Abdullah
• Jacky Bhagnani
• Sir Ravindra Jadeja
• Virendra Singh (Jockey Boxer)

That’s about it. For now, at least. Hope you like the compilation. Feel free to suggest more names. Looking forward to your suggestions.